The Family Mission Statement

First off, let me say I am sorry for the one week hiatus. Things were a little crazy with the holiday weekend, so I had to take a little break from writing..

But, I am back and feeling rejuvenated!

self care for the win!

(The girls enjoying their picnic on our little homestead on the 4th!)

So here I am penning the much awaited family mission statement post. I don’t know why I have gotten so much feedback about people waiting for this specific topic to be posted about. Maybe its because there are a lot of us in the midst of this transition from survival mode to purpose mode, or because having a mission statement that fits our family sounds like it paves the road to freedom…

whatever the reason is, I am glad that you’re here and I hope that you are excited!

So, whats the deal with mission statements? Or what is a family mission statement?

In truth, its just putting the direction and purpose of yourself, or your family, into a written and tangible statement. What are the overarching ideas that you want to govern your home? Where are your priorities right now? What do you want to be important that maybe gets pushed to the back burner?

We talked two weeks ago about creating a list of priorities (its a long post, but worth it – you can read about it here). Hopefully, if you’ve been working on this list, you now have a good idea of what direction you want your family going in. These priorities provide the base for your mission statement. They kind of govern the key points you want to have in your statement.

Now, you can write a mission statement a number of different ways – you can be more and less specific than the next person, have a short or long statement, include lots of detail or have something more general. Remember, this is YOUR statement, for YOUR family – so surrender to the freedom to make it your own!

So here is how I put ours together:

1. I looked back over my list of priorities: as a refresher mine were: my relationship with the Lord, my marriage, raising the girls to love the Lord, making homeschooling a major part of our lifestyle, and growing our homestead. I have specific ideas of how to go about these, but this is just a general overview.
2. I started playing around with how to word them in a way that made a solid statement. I had seen some in the past that seemed a little too formal for my liking, but I also really wanted to get specifics in there. After awhile, I came up with this:

In this family, we serve the Lord first. We seek to know Him, to love Him, and to be obedient to Him above all things. In this family, a healthy marriage is the backbone. We promise to make time to nurture, protect and grow in our marriage through time alone, regular date nights and making our marriage a priority. In this family scripture reading, prayer and learning about the Lord will take precedent over most things. We will strive to bring up our girls in an environment where they understand the love the Lord has for them and to bring each one up to fulfill the roles and callings that the Lord has on their lives. In this family education is important. We have chosen to homeschool and we give priority to creating an environment conducive to learning. We promise to give the girls the opportunity to grow, explore and discover the things they love and the things that move them. We will strive to offer grace and to adhere to Charlotte Mason’s statement that “Education is an atmosphere, a discipline and a life.” In this family, we want to create a legacy of hard work and self sufficiency. We long to grow in our knowledge and skills in homesteading and we promise to devote time and energy to developing this lifestyle that we believe God has called our family to. We believe in the rewards and blessings that come from working with our hands, sustainably growing our own food and humanely raising livestock. We will journey together as a family as we learn and become more efficient in this area. We believe that if we devote ourselves to these areas of life in this season that we will continue to fulfill our purpose and calling. We are committed to measuring commitments and opportunities, as well as habits, up to these things to see if they are beneficial to the goals of our family in this season. 

So I know that this sounds a little on the formal side still, but once I started writing it out, I wanted it to have purpose and meaning and to sound strong. You need to lean into the personality of your family and find the wording that works for your lifestyle.

The best thing about all of this is that we are free to tweak and change things as life evolves and seasons change. But, there is a freedom in developing guiding principals for your home. We all only have so much time and energy we can give – and when we realize that we can edit our lives to fit where we are now and the things that we love, there is joy that naturally follows.

For a real life example, I have had to step back from certain things that I thought would be beneficial but just ended up stressing me out.

I have been invited to join multiple mama groups for homeschooling moms. Each one of them has all of these amazing things that they offer in terms of fellowship, encouragement and growth for moms who homeschool – and all of them seemed like they had something that I NEEDED. But, in truth, one thing I need more than anything else is time at home as a family when Matt is home, and time to rest and recuperate alone. Some of these wonderful groups meet at times where I would have to trade family movie night or an earlier bedtime to attend. So I had to really take stock and evaluate what we were already involved in and how that was serving the areas I felt we were lacking.

• Our homeschool co-op provides wonderful opportunity for fellowship and encouragement at teacher’s meetings. Going to this meeting provides me with a time for growth, adult conversation and time away from the kids. Shifting how I viewed this meeting really showed me what a blessing it truly was.
• Our twice monthly group that I had thought of leaving because it cuts into “school time” provides FREE classes and fellowship for the girls, fills a need for me to fellowship with other moms and meets at a time when Matt is at work. Compared to other groups who met in the evening, didn’t allow kids and would require me to make new friends instead of investing in relationships that I have already started, the time spent attending this group actually makes more sense.
• Because I can count on these events monthly, I am free to stop feeling the need to say yes every time I am invited to another group to fellowship with other homeschooling moms. In addition, now I also have the freedom to find time to spend with some of these moms one on one and strengthen individual friendships.

It may seem ridiculous, but I am the type of person who has a really hard time saying no. I would say yes to events, groups and things I thought I “should” attend, and then feel guilty or resentful the whole way there. Now, having things in writing doesn’t suddenly make the ability to say no come super easily, but it does give me the encouragement and motivation I need to say no because I feel like I am sticking with the plan and the purpose we are creating.

Okay, I promised myself that this wouldn’t be a long post! And here I am rambling on and on. I hope that you find this helpful! If you are looking for some accountability or feedback, I would love to you to come and join our conversation over on Facebook and share your mission statement! I’d love to see them!

And don’t forget to go back to the priorities post and enter our giveaway! I’ll be announcing the winner tomorrow morning!

Goals, Priorities and Values – Oh my!

I know. I know….

When I wrote the intro post for this series I said that the first post would be on creating a family mission statement. I’m already back tracking here and changing things up a bit…

But let me tell you WHY…

On our journey to creating a family mission statement (which is still a work in progress) we (Matt and I) have had to REALLY come to grips with what our goals and priorities are for our family – specifically.

I’m not talking about the generic “Love God, Raise kids, Love each other, Survive” goals that we seem to fall into when we are in survival mode – but figuring out what the true core beliefs and priorities that we feel we are called to and that we will use to base our major family decisions off of.

It wasn’t until I started goal setting that I realized two things:

1. Most days I am living a reactionary life to the events taking place inside of my home. In my heart I know what I want to be doing, but without those things written down and deciding what small steps need to be taken each day to make progress, I lose sight of them by the first meltdown at the breakfast table.
2. Even though I can say with conviction that “Comparison is the thief of joy!”, without tracking my own progress and priorities based on MY family’s calling, I can easily fall into the trap of either feeling like a failure or trying to mimic someone who I assume “has it all together” – in a way that does not line up with my gifts and personality….

Both of these things lead to the inevitable – burnout. I start out with best intentions each week, but by Wednesday I am overwhelmed, by Friday I have given up and the weekend ends up being time to recuperate or develop a new plan for the next week. This cycle is HARD.

I knew that there had to be a better way, but I just couldn’t seem to get there. My goal setting habits in the past have looked a lot like:

a. set unattainable goal that I believe I should be working towards for some reason that may not even be true to who I was created to be

b. work overtime trying to achieve said unattainable goal refusing to measure progress along the way and instead only judging myself by the time it takes to complete and perfect goal

c. burnout, give up, and feel like a failure OR achieve goal but make everyone miserable by my amount of stress along the way….

see – I know that my heart is in the right place. I LONG to be more self disciplined and to create this purposeful, intentional life that I know is possible – I just couldn’t figure out how.

Until now….

Thanks to some amazing resources created by other Christian women, lots of prayer and learning to give myself grace I am learning to become intentional MY way.

And it starts by setting goals that mean something to me and my family – and in order to do that, I need to set our overarching family priorities….

Now, as I have said a million times before, we are all called to lead families that look different from each other – because we are all called to different purposes and plans. If we can REST in that, we can find the freedom to set our own goals and priorities based on the gifts we have been given and discovering what is important for us and our families. So PLEASE – don’t expect your priority list to look exactly the same as mine.

If you’re anything like me, when you first sit down to do this you’re going to want to put the priorities that you think you should have instead of what you want to – don’t. If you need to journal, pray, think, talk to a mentor or pastor before making your list – DO IT. But don’t settle for what someone else has done, or what you think the right answers are, because if you do – you will end up right at the beginning again….

So what are my priorities that are guiding my goals?

1. Relationship with the Lord – making this first has been HARD. Why? Because I like to control things. But, I know that when I am in a good place with Him, the rest seems to fit together better and I feel more confident in how I was created.
2. Our Marriage – Marriage is WORK. If anyone has ever told you different – they lied. In the last (almost) 7 years we have a lot of fun, a lot of change, and a lot of REALLY HARD seasons. We have, during certain times, had to make a point to make our relationship a priority. DO IT. When everything else in this world is stripped away and only the important things are left standing your husband (or wife) will be right there with you.
3. Raising girls who know who God is and what that means to them – I’m not raising Sunday Christians, but girls who discover who God is in their lives. How to listen to Him, to talk to Him, to understand WHO He is and how to have a heart for His world.
4. Raising girls who know how to and LOVE to learn – is education important? Absolutely. Are academics themselves MORE important than learning how to learn? NO. Not in our home. Teaching the girls to learn and how to love learning is a priority because its a lifelong skill they can take with them. Pulling them out of public school and choosing to homeschool was the right choice for our family. Homeschooling is a lifestyle we are creating though, not school at home that fits into a little box. I long for it to permeate every aspect of our home and life.
5. Creating a home and a Homestead that is a safe haven for my family, a place of rest for my husband, that gives life to our family and is a place for learning (from example), loving, developing relationships, discovering who we are and where God is the center.

These are my five. You may have more or less. But I can guarantee yours are not the same. But, once you can list our your priorities you can start to measure your goals and your time against them. If you are working tirelessly on a goal that doesn’t match up with your family priorities – cut it out of your calendar. Don’t waste your time on it.

For example – We spent a lot of last year trying to figure out how to maintain a “traditional” school schedule – you know, school work done in the morning during 3-4 consecutive hours without any interruptions or arguments etc.

It never worked. And its because it was never meant to be how our family functioned. Don’t get me wrong – school work, lessons and completing assignments on time is a TOP priority in our home, but we were going about how to get them done all the wrong way. And it was creating a tone and environment that none of us liked. I was striving against our personalities and family priorities to achieve a goal that I thought was the right way to go.

So how do we fix this? We set a new goal. If my priority is to create a lifelong love of learning, and to create an environment of safety and rest, then our schooling has to mirror that.

So for this year we have set a new goal: To intertwine our school work with our homesteading chores and plenty of outside time as possible. To leave margin in our schedule to further study things that we find interesting, and to set aside time to complete independent work in a relaxed manner. To be flexible enough to welcome interruptions as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves instead of getting upset, and to make sure the learning comes from a place of rest, enjoyment, and fulfillment. We are going to give each other more grace, enjoy each others company more, celebrate the successes and make time for the areas that cause more struggle.

How are we applying this with practical, measurable goals? This summer we have decided to start Math in July and give ourselves a full year to complete each grade level curriculum. This means we have a goal of three new lessons a week instead of five – and if we fall behind we still have room to spend longer on certain topics until they are mastered without feeling like we are going to have to play catch up.

We are planning out monthly field trip days during the school year where we shelve the book work and take off for the day to discover, enjoy and learn in a different environment.

Our 6th grader will be given more control over when and how to complete some of her independent work. While I am a morning person, she is not – and she completes some things better in the afternoon/evening than she would upon waking. Discovering this is causing both of us to learn to be flexible – at times she will have to work when she doesn’t necessarily want to, but I also have to let her take more control over her learning so that she can discover her own particular skill set. Sometimes the pressure that procrastination brings is a better teacher than any amount of nagging I can give – and our relationship is already healing because of that.

We will choose read aloud books together, and find times to enjoy them within our day. Some days its the morning, sometimes the afternoon, some days before bed. Last year I used to force it in the morning for all of us – feeling like a failure all day if we didn’t fit it in. But the truth is – reading and enjoying the time with my girls is what is important.

So, where do you go from here? This is becoming an incredibly long post, so let me wrap up by giving you some ideas for how you can start to apply this to your family:

1. Talk to your husband and discover what ideas you both have about priorities for your family. If you haven’t talked about it you may be surprised that you both have some similar and very different ideas about what is most important.
2. Pray. Read scripture. God is the only one who truly knows the plan for your family and the why behind the reason that you, your spouse and your children are all put together. Listen for wisdom, and direction.
3. Journal – in a perfect world, where would your family be in 10 years? What dreams do you have for your children? What do you wish your home felt like? Sometimes we can surprise ourself with what is important to us!
4. Don’t choose too many things! Choosing priorities is as much about choosing things as it is about NOT choosing things. Don’t give yourself 17 areas of life to thrive in or 20 things to be great at – you will overwhelm yourself. It is much better to do a few things WELL than it is do many things.
5. Give yourself GRACE. You may want to prioritize things and then realize they aren’t as important to you as you thought. You can change them. There is no rule that says once you write it down your stuck. Try new things – be brave. Don’t be afraid to discover how you and your family are different.

Okay – ONE LAST THING…

and this is exciting…

I am doing my very first giveaway!

Goal setting has been a learning process for me, but one thing that has helped me so much has been Lara Casey’s Power Sheets. If you have never heard about them, you can hop over to their site here and read all about them! I LOVE them – it has streamlined the process of priority and goal setting. We all know how busy things can be with kids! But, more than that, they help me to track my progress and to realize that I am moving forward even when it feels like I’m not…

Because of that, I am giving away ONE 6 month power sheet planner! I have made my way through 3 and they have been invaluable. So how do you enter?

1. Share this post.
2. Comment “Shared”
3. Visit and like my Facebook page! Its that easy!

Giveaway ends 7/7/17 and I will choose a winner!!

Click HERE to enter the giveaway!!

Thanks for entering!

 

One Year

of intentional homemaking.

I remember when my idea for this series first popped into my head…

we were in our old house, had ONLY 4 kids and my personal/emotional/mental life was a mess. I don’t know why I thought I could keep up with a series like this at the time.

Fast forward and here we are living out our dream on this little homestead, raising 5 girls, homeschooling and the list goes on.

Moving, starting homeschooling, having another baby, and building a homestead have pushed the intentional part of my homemaking into survival mode.

No intention. Feed the kids. Keep them alive. Teach them all the things. Sweep the mess under the couch. Fall into bed exhausted. Repeat.

Its been crazy and I have felt crazy. BUT, things are starting to really fall into place. We’re on our second year with the massive garden, we wrapped up year 2 of homeschooling (and we survived!), our new house is feeling like home and baby number 5 is turning one!

I finally feel ready to stop surviving and start THRIVING again. However, I know that it doesn’t just happen overnight. Homemaking isn’t something that has always come naturally to me. I am THAT mom – you know what I’m talking about – the one who changes her family schedule every month, has a new method of discipline each week, rearranges her furniture constantly in an effort to motivate herself to keep up on the chores…

Part of the problem is that I never really took the time to figure out what being a homemaker even meant to me. What is this role that I put myself in? How can I become great at something I can’t define? Am I just the person who cooks the meals, cleans the house, runs everyone to practices and makes sure we don’t go over budget? Am I the decorator, maid and chef? Is there even a “right” way to do all of this?

There is. But “right” isn’t going to look the same for all of us. I always tell other moms that the best advice I have ever received as a mom was that my family and home will NEVER function the same way another family and home function – and that’s okay. In fact, its MORE than okay, it’s how God intended for it to be. You see, if I am living under the belief that our family was knit perfectly together by the ultimate creator, then I need to realize that what works for someone else may not work for us.

And that is where this series comes in. What originally started as a way for me to post about all the new things I was going to try to make our home life great has morphed into a series where I plan to get down to the core of our own home – and document how we got there.

This year is about intentionally creating the home that THIS family needs to move forward on the path that God has for us.

So why follow along?

Because I want this series to encourage you to figure out the unique homemaking skills that you possess and to embrace them to create a beautiful, safe and comforting place for your own family to grow and thrive. God has these incredible, marvelous, exciting plans for these children he has placed in our care. This season can feel so much like we are just trying to stay afloat. Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram can make us all feel like we are falling short. Comparison has become the core of our generation – but we all know that comparison is the thief of joy. The Lord wants this season of our lives, as hard as it is, to bring us peace, joy and growth.

The first three posts in this series will help us to begin to set the direction for our homemaking by covering how to:

1.Write a family mission statement.

2. Set our own priorities and goals for ourselves and our home.

3. Tackle our space and bring it line with the mission and goals for our family.

I hope that you will follow along and join me on this mission of moving from surviving to intentionally thriving…

This season of raising littles, being a wife and taking care of home takes so much effort on our part. The world seems to have moved on from recognizing the hard work that goes into creating a home where our families can reach their fullest potential. Sometimes its hard to feel like we are constantly being told that we are “just a mom” – but let me point out that you are anything but that. Our service to our families is something that brings glory to the Lord, and when it is done intentionally with Him in mind we realize that this calling is truly one of the most important ones that we will have during our brief time here in the world.

God sees you mama. He sees your efforts, He understands your struggles and He wants to walk this journey with you. Lean on Him, allow him to be the strength in the midst of your exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy.

I am so excited to go on this journey with you!

Here we go…

 

Tale as Old as Time

This past Saturday we took our girls to see the new Beauty and the Beast. We were so excited, and the girls had been looking forward to it for a long time. The movie was everything I thought it would be and more. The cast choices were perfect, the storyline held true to the original and a few extra details were added so that we discovered some things about both Belle and Beast that weren’t shared in the animated version. Overall, I think that Disney created an amazing, family friendly, movie worthy of spending the exorbitant amount of money to experience the film at the theater.

I don’t make a habit of reviewing movies often. The last one that I reviewed was Cinderella and it ended up being for about the same reason I feel led to share my opinions on Beauty and the Beast  as well. I don’t watch a lot of movies, and what we decide is appropriate for our children is based on our own personal convictions. We choose carefully what we allow the girls to watch, trying to keep their viewing in line with what we think is acceptable for their age and maturity.

The being said, I was shocked to see the articles and statements that came out about Beauty and the Beast prior to it being released. Title after title, post after post, came up in my news feed, condemning the movie for a storyline that had, supposedly, been added regarding on of the characters in the film. It was said that Lefou, Gaston’s dweeby side kick would have his moment on screen revealing that he is both gay, and in love with Gaston.

The idea gave me pause before deciding to go ahead and take the girls. Not because I disagreed with Disney’s choice to make a point of creating a gay storyline for an already beloved movie, but because should that be case, I didn’t think that my girls were at a maturity level that was ready to handle the discussion that I would like to follow such a discovery.

Well, we clearly decided to go anyways, after doing some research and reading article’s from people who had actually seen the movie. And, I can tell you that, whether or not Disney intended for Lefou’s sexual orientation to become clear to the audience, there was nothing in the movie that would have led be to believe anything other than the fact that he was infatuated with Gaston because he wanted to be like  him. But, you have to make the decision as to whether or not it is an appropriate choice for your family on your own…

That point, is not what led me to write this post as much as the reaction from those proclaiming to be Christians did.

It is no secret that I love the Lord. I believe that scripture is true, is not to be taken out of context and changed to meet our ever changing culture. I believe that God’s character does not change, and that He is exactly who He says He is.

But, my goodness…

What are we saying about Him when we lead with condemnation, shame and hurt? Here is what I also believe: there is not ONE person on this earth who doesn’t struggle with sin – believers and non believers alike. I struggle with a lot of things that the bible declares as sin. My daily life is a process of continuously trying, leaning on God and going to Him for forgiveness when in my own strength I find it hard to change.

What I don’t struggle with, is the decision to seek out a relationship with someone of the same sex. I can’t even begin to understand what the process is like to realize something about yourself that is hard, decide to pursue and attempt to live an open life in a society that is constantly seeking people to condemn or blame for all the problems of this world. My personal convictions lead me to believe that a homosexual lifestyle is not what God purposed for someone when He created them. However, I can also state that I am not living out exactly who God intended for me to be when He created me! I am a continual work in progress. Sin, struggle, growth and change are all a part of this fallen world.

But, my convictions also place me in a position to say that it is not okay to make someone feel unsafe because of their life journey. If God’s glory is supposed to come through me, if I am supposed to be a representation of who Christ is, then I should not be writing things that are hurtful, mean, shameful or threatening towards another person who I believe to be created by the same God who created me.

I need everyone to really stop and think – how are my word’s glorifying God? In what way is this statement making the person I am speaking to understand how much they are loved by God? Are my choices potentially adding bricks on a wall that is being built between this person and God?

Jesus came to earth and scolded the pharisees. He called out those who thought they were righteous. He tried to get those who were only concerned with the law to see the error of their ways. He spent time with the members of society who were seen in the eyes of others as “wrong”.

If He were here today, I have to believe that He would be scolding those who wrote hurtful and condemning things to others. He would call out those who use social media in a way that pushes people away from God. He would try to get those who separate themselves from those who believe they are better than the “sinners: to see the error of their ways.

We do not have to agree with a person’s choices in order to love them the way that the Lord calls us to love. All of our shaming isn’t drawing anyone nearer to the Lord. It isn’t creating any wave of change or revival. It isn’t revealing the true character of God.

The only truth that we can be sure of is this: each person was created by the same God, with a plan and a purpose and a journey. Each and every life that we come in contact with is an opportunity to play a supporting role in the story of one member of creation’s personal walk with God….

What character do you want to play? The villain or the hero?

Family Update

Things have been a little crazy here! There hasn’t been much time to sit down and write. In fact, as I am typing this, I am contemplating running upstairs to tell my children to be quiet and I can hear Macie starting to wake up and I know she will need to eat soon. This life as a mama to 5 girls is definitely not one for the faint of heart! But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

So, what have we been up to? Besides figuring out how to survive with 5 girls? Not much!

This summer has been HOT, and so far has consisted mostly of me watching the girls swim or trying to stay in the air conditioning. We have managed to make it out for a few little trips – bounce it out, the zoo, the indoor play cafe –

But, thanks to an amazing husband and an awesome dad, our yard is pretty much as good as any local playground, so most of trips consist of only taking a few steps out the door…

When I do have a few minutes of down time I have been excitedly planning our homeschool year for this coming school year! I’ll be composing a few posts soon about what are plans are this year, what curriculums we have chose and why, and how we are really seeing God move through our decision to keep the kids “home” for school (yea – we’re actually home less than we are out..)

My husband has been diligently working in our garden and we are starting to see the fruits of his hours of labor in the form of an abundance of zucchini, cucumbers that beg to be pickled and the beginnings of some very large pumpkins and winter squash!! I can’t wait until the corn is ready to be picked! We’ve learned a lot as this season has gone on, and I can’t wait to share some more of our homesteading lessons and misadventures (chickens in the house, anyone!?)…

I have to keep this short for now, as I have a little babe who is about to beg me to be fed. This season of our life has been so amazing, I can hardly describe everything in the few short paragraphs I wrote here. I am looking forward to getting some more time to write as Macie’s newborn naps start to become a bit more predictable! For now, I’ll leave you with some pictures of my sassy littles…

Emmy’s personality in 3 seconds…

These two…

I can’t believe that this kid is 5 already!!

A Huge Leap of Faith

Deciding to have a baby after struggling with Postpartum Anxiety for a year was NOT an easy decision.

We had just bought the house we knew we were going to raise our kids in and started a new season of life. Things were great, and we finally began to feel settled after what had been a rollercoaster of a season…

But, I still had this longing in my heart, this deep desire to have another baby. I dealt with grieving over the idea of never having another baby for as long as I could, but this desire wasn’t going anywhere…

In fact, it was getting stronger. After sitting down and explaining how I was feeling to Matt, I realized something….

I felt broken. Damaged. I carried a lot of guilt over not being mentally stable enough to expand our family. Women are created to carry and bear children – and here I was, unsure if I was capable of doing it anymore.

I couldn’t stand the idea of our family not growing because of something wrong with me. So, after doing a lot of work with my psychiatrist, and praying and talking A LOT about it with Matt, we decided to try. We would give it 2 months, because we wanted the baby to be born in early summer at the latest, and if we didn’t get pregnant then we would put the idea off for another year…

It took two weeks. I was ecstatic, overwhelmed and excited. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone.

But then, one morning when I was waiting for the kids to get up, it really hit me. What if it happens again? What if its worse? The memories of my postpartum period with Emerson came flooding back, anxiety and panic set in and suddenly I was afraid that I had just made a terrible decision for my family…

Diagnosis: PTSD

I was angry, frustrated and defeated. All the work I did to get through the anxiety and now this!? I spent the first half of the pregnancy worrying A LOT.

But, one day, I was playing with Emerson and thinking about everything that happened to get to this point and I realized how worth it it really was.

So I made a plan – a plan for the rest of the pregnancy, a plan for if the anxiety came back, and a plan for if it was worse. Having a plan made me feel a lot better, and I continued to do a lot of work on myself in order to have the best shot at a good outcome for me and the rest of my family.

Fast forward a few months and we were in labor. I’ll write all the details about Macie’s birth story in another post, but what I can say is that it went better than I had imagined. In fact, I felt more in control of my choices and what I needed than any of my previous labors, and I have the work of digging myself out of PPA to thank for that. Our hospital stay was restful, anxiety free and filled with quality time snuggling my new babe.

But, when we got home, I began to doubt our choice again. For two days I sat around, on the verge of a panic attack, waiting for the PPA to return. I woke up in the middle of the night, expecting it to come flooding back. I worked myself into a full blown panic attack, convincing myself than my descent into anxiety was right around the corner. Flashbacks swam through my mind, and I was scared. For 48 hours, I was sure that I was going to have to battle for my mental health again…

And then it didn’t come. The nightly panic attacks, the struggle through heavy anxiety all day long, the desire to just hide in my bed from the world, the insomnia, the terror….

it never came back.

What did happen was me learning that once you have experienced anxiety, you can make yourself experience anxiety over and over again. You can talk yourself into a panic attack a lot easier than you can talk yourself out of one. I was, unwillingly, sabotaging myself….

So, I put my plan into action. I called my psychiatrist immediately to talk through the anxiety and make sure it was “normal”, I upped one of medications – a decision we had already planned for by having it at my house in case of an increase in anxiety, I told my husband exactly what was going on, began taking my placenta pills and had my doctor add in another prescription strength B vitamin….

and then I got out of my own head. Each night when I go to bed, anxiety tries to creep its way in, but I’m on top of it. I remind myself of how the day has gone, recount the good things around me, and remind myself that worry and PPA are not the same thing. I don’t let myself talk myself into the downward spiral.

When I woke up today, I realized that my first thoughts were not about anxiety. They were about snuggling my baby before the other kids woke up. They were about savoring my cup of coffee early, and catching up on laundry. They were about how excited I am about the garden, and planning a canning schedule. My thoughts were normal. And, I finally realized that I am happy. A different kind of happy, a happy I haven’t felt in a long time.

I’m excited for this season of life. I look around and can’t believe that this is the life I get to live, day in and day out.

Deciding to have another baby was a huge leap of faith. Truthfully, it could have been bad. I mean, having a child is always worth whatever you go through to get there, but it could have cost us another very dark season. We chose to believe we wouldn’t. We decided to believe that God wanted to use this birth, this child to show us how far we have come.

And it has done just that, giving birth to Macie has brought this whole journey full circle.

It has shown me that its time. Time to move forward to the next season of life. Time to stop living in this shadow of PPA, of defining who I am because of it. Time to take what I have learned, all the good parts of my journey and carry them on into the next chapter. Its time to leave the hard parts behind, to say good bye to the fear, the worry and the pain.

I will always be open about my journey. I will always be willing to share my story. I will always listen to a mom share her struggles while she is in the depths of the battle…

But I won’t be there anymore. 2.5 years of my life is enough for PPA to have a hold of.

So, if your wondering, I’m okay. Things are great. I am happy, sleeping and enjoying summer with my kids. I am spending time with and dating my husband. I’m working along side him to build our homestead….

So you don’t have to ask if I’m okay.

I’m sitting here about to nurse my crying babe, with my kids fighting bed time, watching shark week and looking forward to the adventures that tomorrow will bring…

 

 

The name Macie is of French origin.

The meaning of Macie is “weapon”.

It is also of English origin, where its meaning is “gift of the Lord”.

It is also the female version of Maccius – a roman version of the name Matthew.

 

Life on The Homestead

I can’t believe that we have been in our home for as long as we have. This time last year, an old farmhouse with land, in a good area and not to far from family seemed like something that would never be attainable. We had just finally begun settling back to “normal” after a whirlwind move, followed by my 18 month battle with Postpartum Anxiety. We knew what we wanted, and we prayed and prayed for the right home, at the right price, to appear….

It felt like the kind of wish you wish for as a kid when you are about to blow out your candles – you know, the ones you know deep inside are asking for too much, but you still believe in the power of magic birthday candles enough to at least try?

Except,we were shown once again, that we weren’t wishing on magic candles, but instead pleading with the creator of the universe to fulfill this desire if it was His plan for us…

I mean, we felt like He had put it on our house to move home, save money, and figure out what we truly wanted our family to look like. A desire for a simpler life, one where we could get back in touch with who we were created to be, grew inside of each of us – without knowing what the other one was thinking. Until, one day we were planning goals for the future and realized that, in seeking the Lord’s will for each of our lives, that our desires and dreams had begun to take the same direction. We both envisioned a life for the girls filled with a love of the outdoors, working the land to produce and harvest our own foods, a barn with goats, chickens and a cow – all while being a short distance from family, work and Wegmans.

So, when we set out to look, we never dreamed we would find it. It just seemed as though we had too many desires: not only enough land in an area of the county that was less restrictive on its agricultural guidelines, but a house with character – old, but not falling apart – and big enough for all 6 members of our family.

We originally turned this house down. We just didn’t see the potential. There were things on our list that it didn’t have – a full size barn, pasture fencing, or many modern updates. It also had less land than we originally thought we wanted. So, we pulled our offer and kept looking…

only to be brought back to this home again and again. We could afford it. Most of the updates were cosmetic. We weren’t really ready for livestock just yet. It had enough bedrooms and a separate school room…

and then we realized that the amount of land was enough to do what we wanted to do according to the guidelines in the particular area this home was located in.

So we put in another offer, a little higher than our first knowing that there was some competition.

We waited….and waited….and waited….

and then we got the call. Our offer was accepted! We were so excited! But, a few things still needed to be worked out, so the owner decided he wanted to meet with us directly (apparently that isn’t normal real estate procedure?).

So Matt and I went out to the house to meet with the owners, who turned out to be an incredibly sweet, kind, caring and generous older couple. The man and Matt hit it off immediately and we were told the story of the day our offer came in…

The owner was driving to meet his real estate agent to sign an offer that he was going to accept, only he couldn’t remember where they were supposed to meet. Apparently, after going to the wrong place, he decided to just go back home and figure it all out later that day. While he was back at home, our offer came in – slightly higher and non contingent. If we had waited until the next day, the house would have escaped out grasp. It was as if it was all orchestrated to fulfill a part of our family’s plan…

And shortly after moving in, we knew that it had. This house has turned out to be more than we could have imagined. The girls are THRIVING here, we’ve made it our own, decided to add one more member to our family, drawn closer together and successfully finished our first full year of homeschooling.

We brought some baby chicks into our family, and built the a chicken coop. We’ve seen the girls grow in responsibility as they learn to care for the chickens, and our new farm dog Sophie, and we can’t wait to add more animals to our family a little at a time.

We’ve also begun our first garden here, and its huge. I can’t wait to see all of the vegetables growing on our property. We’ve discovered apple trees, pear trees, cherry trees and raspberry bushes as well. We can’t even believe how blessed we are.

Its amazing to feel as though we are exactly where we are supposed to be this season…

and since we are new to this whole lifestyle, I’m starting a new, semi-regular series, documenting all the ups and downs of building a homestead. It should be pretty comical, as I can barely keep flowers alive. We are reading and devouring everything we can on various topics, and then trying out what we have learned! Its been so much fun, and our home isn’t just a place we live anymore, but its also our hobby, our interest, and our refuge.

I’m including some pictures of the house itself, and parts of the yard, since I know some of you have been asking to see it. Its hard to get everything in a few pictures, but I’ll be adding more with each additional post, so stay tuned!

I always wanted mature trees in our yard!

The girl’s side of the yard!

Learning From Our Kids

Before I became a mom, I never knew how much we would learn from our children. We’re supposed to teach them, help them grow, guide them to finding themselves and then send them off, right?

I was so wrong.

Becoming a mother so young, I have spent the last decade of parenting learning more about who I am, who I want to be and how to get there than I have actually teaching.

My kids teach me incredible things everyday – they teach to be patient, to react with anger slowly and to think hard before I speak. They teach me to explore, to wonder, to imagine and to create. My girls ask the hard questions, trusting fully that the answers I give them will be the right ones. They have taught me to seek the right answers and to be honest and content with saying “I don’t know.”

Their personalities give me insight into who they are, and the possibilities of what they can become ignites a fire inside of me to discover my own endless possibilities…

They remind me daily that they were each created by a master artist, who took the time and detail to knit together every little tiny nuance to create a perfectly imperfect, unique and awe inspiring human being.

To be honest, in the crazy of the day to day, I am more likely to focus on the things about my kids that I don’t like, or the things that I am resentful at times of dealing with. Parenting is hard. There is no guidebook, no instructor, no black and white. What works for the first child rarely works for the second, and days string into endless battles with strong wills, defiance and sin.

But, let me encourage you if I can, about how those battles can turn into victories you never saw coming…

My second was diagnosed with a mild sensory processing disorder around the age of two. Truthfully, at the time, I didn’t even know what that was. The things the doctors pointed out – crying tantrums, the need for more rest at that age, an unwillingness to talk in front of others (she could talk, she just wouldn’t), the inability to handle being dirty, sticky, covered in food, mud, paint or ANYTHING without melting down – all seemed like normal toddler issues to me. I mean, I KNEW she was different than my first. I couldn’t put her down for months, she cried a lot, and taking her places was difficult because she became overwhelmed easily, but I didn’t think it was an actual “problem”.

We did all the things the doctors suggested – purposefully upsetting her routine to try and make her more flexible, alternating days of being out with days of recovery at home, encouraging her to make messes and stay messy, and teaching her new coping mechanisms at each age milestone.

In my raw, and extremely selfish moments, I was angry at times. I didn’t know how to deal with it. The rest of the girls are outgoing, spontaneous, messy (unfortunately) and mostly excited to try new things. Their personalities line up so well with mine that I got them! I could discipline them, or connect with them without trying too hard.

But number 2 was different. I couldn’t connect with her that way. I could snuggle her, try and calm her down and shift our schedule at times to suit her needs, but I just didn’t get why we had to.

And then, my 4th was born and I plummeted into Postpartum Anxiety that turned my world upside down. Suddenly, my personality was different. Anxiety plagued me, outings exhausted me, and overwhelming situations sent me into cycles of panic attacks. If things were out of order, out of my control or out of routine, I panicked. I created rituals and attempt to control my environment to make me feel better, and without time to myself in my created space, rest was elusive…

I have since come back from that place, but it was on the way out, in a random moment of clarity one day, that I realized something devastating….

This is how my child feels the majority of the time.

I was heartbroken, guilty, upset and angry. With no one in our home to relate to her fully, I wondered at how often she had felt alone and misunderstood. How many times had I lost it over a tantrum that may have actually been a panic attack? How many times had I pushed her to participate when she needed time alone? How many times had I sent her back to bed in the middle of the night, because I was tired from feeding the baby, and left her to dwell alone in her anxiety?

I started to see her different. I related to her. She could see it. She seemed different, like she felt safer. We learned new coping mechanisms together, and as we faced each difficult season and change for her, we worked together on ways for her to cope. Her anxiety wasn’t triggered in the same way mine was, but we navigated it together – her with a new, understanding advocate, and me with the empathy and compassion that I hadn’t been able to find before.

She has grown so much in the past year, and has discovered a confidence she didn’t posses before. This past weekend, despite her proclamations that she would not get on stage, we dressed her up in her recital costume anyways and told her she could decide when it was time for their dance.

I sat in the audience with a different kind of anxiety – wondering how she was feeling, if she was okay. As her class walked out on stage, I was so excited to see her sisters, but I wasn’t sure whether or not she would be up there.

Right in the middle of all the little girls, there she was. She was on stage. She was dancing and doing the whole routine. She was SMILING.

I was sobbing.

And in that moment, I learned what bravery really is. Being outgoing naturally, it is easy for me to do things, like get on stage, and still be in my comfort zone.

In that two minutes, I watched my 5 year old step WAY outside her comfort zone to accomplish something that was equally as important to her as it was scary.

The pride in her when it was over illuminated from her as she walked.

Seeing her pride in herself made the struggles of the last few years worth it. It erased every struggle, every tantrum, every moment of frustration. It made every second of learning to cope mean more than I could have imagined…

But, it did something else too. Her decision to get on stage erased every remaining ounce of resentment that I have carried from my own battle. I realized that without my journey, I would never have been able to truly understand what that moment meant for her, I would have never been able to understand the level of bravery, the difficult choice, and the resulting pride in herself that came with her walking out in front of a room full of strangers.

In that moment, my daughter showed me what she is made of, and became an example of someone I want to be.

Catching up…

Tonight I came across a post a friend of mine shared about not making excuses for our messy homes and unwashed hair as mamas…

It got me thinking. How many times have I gone around the house after everyone has fallen asleep and counted up all the chores that were “behind”? How many times have I lamented over never having a clean house? How often have I stressed over the fact that the table was sticky, the floor wasn’t mopped and there were dishes still in the sink the from the night before?

I shuttered at the thought of time wasted worrying about the things that don’t truly matter.

This season has been one of letting things go and focusing more intently on the ones in my care, including myself. Being sick has a way of doing that – of slowing things down to a more manageable pace. In the past it has been followed by a hurried catch up, burning the candles at both ends to get back to reality.

I’m making a decision.

Not this time.

What on earth am I attempting to catch up to? When have I never not been “behind” on housework, whether it be laundry piled up in the laundry room, or a kitchen floor in desperate need of mopping? Getting so caught up in an attempt to do this motherhood thing “right”, has me worrying about the less important things and putting the ones that DO matter on hold “until I get                  done…”

Waiting…

for the house to remain clean

for the kids to be bigger

for chore charts to miraculously become effective

for the day when I can count on a full nights sleep

for the day I can assure myself that I will be showered and in clean clothes before the women arrive for coffee….

Waiting, for a day that, if I’m being honest, isn’t on the horizon anytime soon.

And in the waiting, the very worst thing, is the joy I am missing out on right in front of me….

sticky counters that come from the blessing of little hands helping in the kitchen…

dirty sinks stained with toothpaste from little beauties learning how to take care of themselves….

mud on the kitchen floor from feet too excited to show me what they discovered outside to remove their shoes….

socks strewn on the floor in the living room from a husband too tired to toss them in the laundry basket because of his willingness and determination to work hard for his family….

As the dishes from dinner tonight went undone in favor of snuggling up on the couch to watch the Bernstein Bears before bed, I began to look at my messy house in a new light.

My house is full of an abundance of life. Nurturing, learning, growing, healing, rest and yes, MESS happens here because of the blessing of life, and not just any life, but life well lived…

And that is worth leaving the chores until the morning.

New Victories

I am writing this to you all from my death bed…

Okay – that was a little dramatic. But, my entire family has the flu (as in myself, my husband and all four girls), so its basically the same thing. I’m going back and forth between comforting sick kids, refilling juice cups, keeping track of times for tylenol and then falling asleep myself on the couch….

Its been, a little overwhelming….

but you know what I haven’t been doing?

Having a panic attack. And that’s huge for me…

This time last year (and I mean EXACTLY this time last year – the timing is insane) we were all home nursing a TERRIBLE stomach bug. And, I really mean TERRIBLE. We replaced every blanket and sheet in our house after that week since most of our kids weren’t able to understand how to NOT throw up on EVERYTHING. It lasted ten days and I was a wreck.

See, it was coming up on Holy Week and I had a million things planned for making Easter a  big deal in our house that year – and none of them involved the Easter bunny. I had spent weeks prepping and preparing these fun activities that taught my kids all about what Jesus had done for them, and why and I was SO EXCITED.

So when the bug hit, I was livid. I was sad. I was freaking out. My plans were ruined. My kids would have a horrible Easter. I tried everything that I could to end our stomach bug sooner. I cleaned floors, counters, furniture and beds again and again – even though I was just as sick as everyone else, in an effort to make us better in time for Easter weekend.

When I failed and Easter came, I melted into a puddle of anxiety and sadness. I had the first panic attack I had had in months, and that panic attack led into a month long anxiety relapse.

I was confused. I thought that I was healed from my struggle with anxiety. I felt defeated, broken, and back to square one.

What I hadn’t realized, was the amount of self sabotage there was during that week, and how much I still needed to learn from my battle with Postpartum Anxiety.

For some reason, letting go of everything that week and not being able to make my kids have a memorable Easter in spite of being sick made me feel like a failure….

On top of that, I didn’t make any of my own needs known that week. I didn’t try to make sure I was getting better. I wasn’t willing to just back up dirty laundry and wait until I was done throwing up every ten minutes to take care of it. I didn’t hop into bed the second everyone was sleeping. I didn’t ask anyone to drop off fluids, juice, medicines or food. I didn’t make a plan to trade off sleep with my sick husband so we could both heal…

I just pushed forward. I kept going, taking on everything myself and then falling apart when I couldn’t.

Self care has been a huge lesson I have learned over the last year. The first year of recovery from PPD was all about not being anxious anymore, but this last year has been me learning what different things may have triggered it, or made it worse…

One major thing is this notion that I need to do it all, and do it all alone. I CHOSE to have a big family, and I chose to stay at home. This is what I always wanted, and I LOVE almost every second of it.

But, it doesn’t make me weak to learn when I need help. It doesn’t make me a failure of a mom if I don’t run myself into the ground trying to do everything on my own. I am not less of a woman if I say I need to take a break, or I am too sick to take care of my kids on my own…

So this time around, from my hospital bed I texted friends and family and enlisted help. I lined up overnight sitters, allowed people to drop off goodies from the grocery store, I let the mess pile up for a few days and I slept…

Did I miss my kids?? Yes – a lot, it was harder than I thought.

Did I feel terrible that we didn’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year with green pancakes and some Lord of Dance? Yes! I may have even cried a couple of tears…

but it wasn’t the pervasive, overwhelming anxiety and sense of failure that came with the PPA attacks, but the normal “I am a mom and I’m sick and hate being away from my kids anxiety…”

Now all of my kiddos are home, and all of them are at some varying stage of flu illness, but I’m not overwhelmed. I’m not panicking. I emailed the co-op coordinator and let them know we won’t be in class on Monday, church knows we won’t be there on Sunday, and I’m just going to play it by ear next week to see how early in the week we can leave the house….

I  have some fun Easter activities planned, but I have low expectations of getting them all done and I am okay with that.

I don’t ever want to go through PPD again, but I am so thankful for the testimony that it has given me. Had I never battled debilitating anxiety, I don’t know if I would have really learned how to take stock of what I need in order to be healthy. I may have continued running at 100 mph, without asking for any help, without taking care of me, and may have missed out on all of this great life in front me.

I am thankful for the occasions now that cause us to slow down, that allow me to stop and check in on how I am feeling and figure out what I need to do in order to make sure that I am the best me I can be for my family….